Isaac and I have been having a bit of a Disney fest recently. Mostly Wall-E and Frozen. If I hear “Love is an open door” one more time, there’s a worrying chance I might make osmebody eat the bloody door.
It’s a different song that’s been going through my head in the last week though. It’s from Tangled, when Rapunzel’s all locked up in the tower, dreaming about what life will be like on the outside. Maybe, she hopes, this year will be the one her mum finally frees her from her prison (gotta love Disney for excellent parenting skills), but in the meantime, she wonders, “When will my life begin?”
Sometimes, I fall into the trap of wondering that. I’m in a job I would never have chosen, and wonder why the hell I did my degree. And it’s not just that – I had all these plans of where I wanted to be, what I wanted to do – and yet, very few of them have come to fruition. I wanted to change the world for Jesus. Right now, I don’t even have the energy to change the sheets.
It’s a dangerous trap though, because life has already begun. Setting aside for a minute the incredible son, adorable husband and wonderful friends God has already blessed me with, the fact is that the switch doesn’t flick when I’m the perfect house with the perfect job and the 2.4 beautifully behaved children. God doesn’t want me to be a Stepford Wife before He’ll use me.
Instead, God calls me in my gloriously messy, unfinished state – not because I’m perfect, but because He is. Not because I have anything to offer but because He loves me so much He trusts me to share in His work. Not because i’ve got it all together but because He makes things whole.
I’ve not been blogging for a week or so. My last post about my dear friend Donnell attracted a comment (now deleted) which really hurt and upset me. It was something so close to my heart that the reaction almost felt like it had violated my soul. Yes, I’m dramatic, but it’s true. I even wondered about shutting my blog down.
In the end though, I’ve decided not to. Because my life doesn’t begin when I’m over everything and I can put a smiley happy face on it all. Frankly, Christians who do that piss me off somewhat chronic. God uses the broken, hurting, painful bits and He makes them glorious. He’s pretty damned good like that.
It’s ok to be broken. It’s ok to not have the answers. It’s ok to doubt and be angry and shout at God. He doesn’t want us to have it all together. All He needs is for us to keep showing up. And some days that’ll be the hardest thing of all – like smiling at someone when everything in you is calling out to smack them round the chops.
But that ? That’s when life really does begin. Feeling the trudge and the brokenness – and turning up anyway. That’s when beautiful things happen/