I realised the other day that I hadn’t blogged in a while. No real reason, to be honest. We haven’t suddenly won the lottery, moved to the moon, or discovered the cure for the common cold. Isaac continues to be his mad self, Sam is busy at work. And I’m just – meh.
Nothing particularly wrong. Tired, and a lot to do, but that’s not particularly unusual. Just struggling with a lack of mojo. Tired and grumpy and irritable.
I guess depression can do that. I realised the other day I’ve been struggling with it for well over a decade – not, to be honest, an anniversary I particularly want to celebrate. It’s easier in some ways for me to point to the real troughs – I understand that, it’s not me per se, it’s my illness. But for some reason, prolonged flatness is harder to deal with. I guess, at the very lowest, it’s so bad that you know it’s something out of the ordinary – and therefore, for me at least, something I can deal with. When it’s that lengthy flatness, it’s very tempting to fall into the trap of believing that’s all there is to it. Frankly, that terrifies me.
Not really sure where I’m going with this to be honest – just wanting to put some words to it, I think. The other day, I had to deal with the question. If you’re a Christian, and have ever struggled with mental health – or in fact, ever breathed, you know the one I mean. “How can you be a Christian and be depressed/anxious/ill/left handed” – whatever it is. I can never work out which version of the bible people who ask that actually read. It’s “I found God and got a boyfriend” theology – become a Christian, and life is rosy. Absolute bullcrap of course. I’m pretty sure the disciples had times when things were significantly less than peachy. But sometimes, when in the depths, or the wading throgh treacle moments, it can be awfully tempting to go down the path of false guilt. Surely I should be joyful? After all, Jesus is awesome! Clearly, I’m letting everyone down…
Hmm. Bullcrap, but seductive. I wonder why that is?